6. Lesson: Dr Tanya Byron: Help, my toddler is out of control

My toddler son gets plenty of attention, so why does he hit, pinch and have dreadful tantrums?

My toddler son gets plenty of attention, so why does he hit, pinch and have dreadful tantrums?

I never thought I'd have to ask for help with child-rearing.

My daughter is lovely and perfectly normal/ she can be naughty, but is manageable.

He screamed and had full-blown tantrums when he didn't get his way.

He bit my daughter, scratched me and head-butted my nose.

I could not sit him in the buggy

Your letter points to several issues that I think are at the root of our overblown parenting culture.

by doing so you feel that your children will be settled and comfortable and so without any behavioural problems.

First, I feel a need to advocate for your son.

recognising himself as a separate being, with needs and wants and a will of his own.

it is an emotional transition from dependent baby to assertive and independent toddler.

In the main, little girls, especially first-borns (who are cognitively and socially more advanced), cotton on quickly that they do best in relationships by being sweet and compliant

In the main, little girls, especially first-borns (who are cognitively and socially more advanced), cotton on quickly that they do best in relationships by being sweet and compliant

In the main, little girls, especially first-borns (who are cognitively and socially more advanced), cotton on quickly that they do best in relationships by being sweet and compliant

In the main, little girls, especially first-borns (who are cognitively and socially more advanced), cotton on quickly that they do best in relationships by being sweet and compliant

their frontal cortex is not fully wired up

their frontal cortex is not fully wired up

you are playing in my sandpit area, I'll pick up sand and throw it in your face. While

So while you were warning him about his tantrums, he wasn't taking this in enough to think “crikey, Mum's not pleased

issuing a firm “No throwing sand/ no hitting”,

then turning him so he faced away from the playground and leaving him to wail

After three minutes you should have turned him round, repeated your stern words and told him simply and clearly that if hitting recurred, he would be back in the buggy.

After three minutes you should have turned him round, repeated your stern words and told him simply and clearly that if hitting recurred, he would be back in the buggy.

His crying will be heart-rending but it is frustration and rage.

"I'd like to touch on another issue in your letter: the amount of overall attention your children get."

"I know that families, especially more affluent ones, will do all they can to ensure that their children want for nothing"

"I know that families, especially more affluent ones, will do all they can to ensure that their children want for nothing"

"This, I think, is a big mistake and leads to unsatisfied, demanding children who expect always to be the centre of everything and will, when frustrated, lash out. "

"But as this parenting culture has grown, it has blurred the boundary about which child behaviours need professional help and which need a strong and firm parental approach."

"my 13-year-old daughter suggested that I “chill out” and let her and her brother have a day at home “hanging out”"

"Nothing makes parents feel more stupid than when their child utters words of wisdom that cut through their neuroses."